Not in the Brochure

Well it seems that John is doing a great job of keeping you up with all the goings on here, so there is not much I can add to his events log except to say that the Half–Way party was awesome!  Only one drink, but it was dripping-sweaty-glass cold and a goody!!  🙂  And burgers on the grill smack- dab in the middle of the Pacific, complete with fresh tomatoes, lettuce, pickles, and onion?  Pretty damn cool!!  Our photo that night at sunset up on the flybridge could be in the brochure!

So, I guess that would lead me into what I want to talk about today.  I really want to talk about all that stuff that’s not in the brochure.  You know, the brochure on the cruising lifestyle and specifically the brochure on crossing to the South Seas, the dream of every sailor worth his salt.  You’ve probably seen it, or if not can visualize what is in the glossy foldout……Sunny skies, placid seas, bikini-clad babes watching dolphins frolicking off the bow, sails (or in our case, handkerchief) perfectly trimmed for the “downhill run to Papeette”.

Oh, Please….Give me a break…..

Where oh where to start?  Okay…let’s start with injuries on board…..Yes, I am going to talk about my toe again because the frickin’ thing still frickin’ hurts, except that now it’s my whole foot that hurts….Advil is my best friend, other than, of course, that one Grey Goose which really did help, but alas….

Injuries are not uncommon on long passages, and as you would think, foot injuries are some of the more common among them, particularly on sailing vessels with all the hardware attached to the deck.  Now I know that there are those righteous among you who would say ah ha! you should always wear shoes while on deck!  Oh, okay…..You have every right to sit in your lazy-boy recliner and spout platitudes about shoes on deck.  But the truth is, after 6 years of cruising in the tropics, my feet barely even fit into shoes and those that they do fit into, wear blisters after about 5 steps in them….Just ask my hiking buddies….

Placid seas….ahhhhh…..I can just see them in the brochure…..Azure blue, oily seas, sun shining brightly on the pure white, perfectly set sails against a sky of cerulean….Yes, I can seem them in my mind…..Unfortunately, when I actually look out into our world, I see choppy confused gray water, capped with little berets of white, against a sky that’s even grayer.  And of course there’s the mountains of water arriving off our aft port side that rise higher than the level of our flybridge and push us forward in time to meet up with the mountain of water that is rushing to our beam, thus creating a very large roll to starboard, then to port, then to starboard and back almost upright before it starts over again.  I’ve heard tales of this stuff, but no, sorry, didn’t see it in the brochure.

Which truly would be okay if we didn’t have to move around at all.  It’s the moving around to say, cook a meal or even just grab a snack or a drink that gets you in trouble….Grab glass out of cupboard – quickly before the other glasses tumble out, slam and lock cupboard.  Fill with ice (yes, we are pigs…we have ice), blocking ice bucket before it slides out of icemaker into your lap.  Put sucky ring on bottom of glass and stick to counter.  Check to make sure sucky ring stuck.  Lift tea kettle with one hand while holding on to fiddle with the other.  Try to time roll to actually get tea in glass.  Miss.  Try again. Get most of it into glass on second try.  Replace tea kettle and grab sponge in one smooth move. Wipe up tea that is now rolling on counter, end to end.  Grab glass and duck walk back to pilot house.  Place tea on table and check that sucky ring is securely stuck down.  Wait for roll…..Hop up onto settee with the upward roll and life is good again.  Nope….Didn’t see that in the brochure either.

Let’s talk for a moment about those sucky rings…..Boat show specials….Don’t leave home without ‘em. They are little discs made of neoprene, with a hole in the center that you insert your glass or can into.  It sits on the base of the glass, and when you set it down on a flat surface, it sucks down onto the counter, table or whatever.  They are a miracle…they are indispensible….they are our best friends….They even come in assorted colors for a festive touch, and I hope the guy who invented them is sitting happily in heaven with his well-deserved crown.  But even they are no match for some of these seas.  Take last night….Just came on my watch, just relieved Rose, went through the procedure detailed above to score a glass of tea, right down to the life is good again, and about that time, a monster swell smacked our portside beam.  The absolutely brilliant sucky ring thingy just could not hang on for its life and gave up the ghost and an entire glass of ice and tea, spilling it over top of both my and John’s computers.  Fortunately for my life expectancy and ghost, both computers were closed and with quick action and levitation, I was able to save both.  The only casualties were two previously clean towels, sad in its own right…..Did you see that in the brochure?  No, me neither.  And yes, Wayne…..I am doing the “cursing like a sailor” thing proud.

But wait….There’s more……

Coffee….Before Les comes on watch at midnight, I usually make a pot of coffee for him and John (John comes on at 0300).  In the past, I had shown great prowess at this task, in spite of the questionable sea state.  Not this night.  Water into coffeemaker base….Ha! success!  Screw lid back into coffee pot….uh oh, takes two hands….must let go of coffeemaker base…do it!….Big roll…No!!  Must grab something other than coffee pot…..It’s me or the coffeemaker base…Split second decision…..Screw the coffee maker, must save self!  Revenge of the coffeemaker?  10 cups of water rolling back and forth on the galley counter in time to the rolling waves.  Ahhhh…..The motion of the ocean.  More towels sacrifice themselves for the clean-up.  I would just like to see one, just one, glossy picture of soaked towels hung out to dry in salt spray and 90% humidity in that brochure.

There is of course some good news here (you knew it, didn’t you? 🙂 ).  But to get there, we must digress one last time, and then to the night of the 50-knot storm.  Now that was impressive!  When I woke up and looked at the wind indicator next to our bed, I couldn’t believe I was seeing 48 knots of wind!  And in my haste to get up above, I shut the port in our head, which already was wet with rain and salt spray, but neglected to shut the port in the shower, thinking that any water coming in would be contained to the shower and sump.  Yes…..Believe me……I know……Bone-head move on my part.  In any event, by the time I returned below, there was a good ¼” of water – saltwater – sloshing around on the floor of our cabin.  Everything was soaked…..Rugs, several pillows that had found their way to the floor, dirty clothes from the hamper, and most irritating to me, was our quilt coverlet for the bed.  It had been kicked onto the floor (Yes, John….I know we don’t need it….But yes….. we do….).   I was so disgusted with the entire mess, that I just threw all the wet stuff into the shower to be dealt with the next  day, and used, you guessed it, towels to sop up the residual.

As to not belabor the point, I spent most of the next day cleaning up the mess created.  (And yes, Freddy, I did wash down the beer cans with fresh water 🙂 ).   I ended up taking a hose – you heard it right, a hose – to my coverlet to wash the saltwater out of it so it would maybe one day dry.  First, I hung it over the dinghy so it could drip dry, and I must say, it looked very Martha Stewart up there, what with the palm trees and all.  Then, I moved it to the engine room to dry.  Well, two full days later of 110° heat, and it is (the good news) finally dry, for all intents and purposes.  I do, however, have a photo of the dinghy gaily draped with palm trees for the brochure….

And what about those babes on the bow the brochure promised?  Well, the babes are here, but not on the bow.  The one with the (still) hairy legs is having a nap in the forward cabin, and the one whose bikini days are over is sitting here typing in the pilothouse with her tea stuck firmly beside her and her ass stuck firmly in the seat.

And she wonders……….Just how in the hell did they get those sails so perfect anyhow, with not a lick of wind in the photo??  Photo-shop… Gotta be photo-shopped……..  One more roll and she reflexively grabs her tea glass….

Definitely photo-shop………